Please ensure you take the following article in the humorous way it is intended. There are laws in every country and if you follow our guide, we take no responsibility if you end up doing time in a maximum security prison, or in the psychiatric wing at your local hospital.

Secondly I think your wife is gorgeous and we have a great time in bed, so I don’t know why you’d want to have an affair anyway. Does she do that thing where… never mind. Every relationship is different and we come with our own baggage. What works for one couple doesn’t always work for another. You shouldn’t expect things to be the same with each partner.


What we are hinting at is that some people like a modicum of privacy, even if they have been in a relationship eight years or twenty years. Which is why wives and husbands do not like it when their significant other picks up their mobile phone or answers it. It could just be a privacy issue or they could be sleeping with the Vicar, their boss or banging their fitness instructor very hard every Tuesday morning.

There are two paths we could take with this article, how to find out if your partner is having an affair or the one we’re having more fun with, and how to have a mobile affair and keep it secret. Let’s be honest, if a General and ex-Director of the CIA, David Petraeus can get caught, the likelihood you will be, is odds on.

1. Use Your Apple!

We could have said use your loaf, but we’re suggesting you don’t use Apple products. Have you noticed how a Mac, iPad and iPhone are connected? Just one wrong button press and your secret girlfriend’s text or call could be sent to the computer your wife is using.

2. Clear Browser History, but not all of it.

It may look a little suspicious if you are continually deleting all your browser history. Just delete parts and also ensure cookies and log in details are never stored. Close your browser after use so the back button cannot be used.

3. Be Discreet In Emails

And don’t try to mention anything that could create a buzz if you accidentally leave your Gmail or Hotmail open. You can make certain emails go to other folders too. Alternatively set up a different email address and always log out.

4. Buy A Different Phone

And ensure mistakes cannot occur. Don’t buy the same model phone either as you yourself may get confused. Keeping an affair a secret is not easy. Seriously, have you tried asking if a threesome is cool? OK, calm down, was only asking!

5. Pay Cash when dining out and buying things.

Oh yes that credit card for quick purchases may be very tempting but it records all your transactions. Just one look by your wife or girlfriend and you’ll have a lot of explaining to do. As she’ll remember flowers, chocolates or a holiday in the Maldives that she missed. Yes mate, she will!

6. Condoms in the house and car are for both your use only.

Imagine that she knows when a box should at least be near full, half or almost empty. If your eager little willy has been wearing BatFink sheaths of steel, she’s going to know. Unless you have a fondness for masturbating with them on. In which case, you’re covered – so to speak.

7. Poker Face, you need one.

I have tried lying to my girlfriend even if only about hiding money for her birthday and innocent stuff like that but I smile slightly. If you have a tell, you may as well give your wife half the house and custody of the children straight away.

If you’re trying to find out if your partner is having an affair by checking their mobile and other activity, there’s a related article you could read. For the record we don’t agree with extra marital affairs. They destroy lives and homes and really mess up your children. So if you’re reading this and considering it, I have your IP address so be warned!